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Many of us are not taught how to set healthy boundaries growing up, and it can feel impossible, confusing and downright scary to do so. When I work with high-achieving clients, one question I get asked most often is, “how do I set healthy boundaries?” High achievers, in particular, have a hard time setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. They are so used to over-giving of their time and themselves that they often have trouble putting themselves first and taking care of their own needs.
It is important to understand that setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is self-care, and so when we think of boundaries as part of our self-care, it feels less scary. Boundaries give us autonomy and empower us to take control over our lives and needs. Most people now have a general idea of what boundaries are, but do not have a realistic idea of how to use them in real-world scenarios.
In reality, boundaries are no less important to our well-being than eating a balanced diet, getting high-quality sleep or exercising. When we learn to set and maintain healthy boundaries, we are actually taking care of our health.
Boundaries are how we establish our personal needs and communicate them clearly. They establish the behaviour we are willing to accept from other people, and what they can expect from us. Boundaries are not selfish or rude. They reflect our thoughts, behaviours, values, ethics, feelings, decisions, and experiences.
Healthy boundaries are not rigid, but they are also not limitless. Boundaries protect us and give us the foundation for healthy intimacy. It’s helpful to know that we can set healthy boundaries without being rude, aggressive, or rigid. We can honour our needs without disrespecting someone else in the process.
There are six main types of boundaries that we can establish:
It is hard to set boundaries if we do not know what our values are and what is important to us. Take a few minutes, find a quiet space, and write your top 5 values. If you feel stuck, try thinking about a few of your personal and professional goals and asking yourself why they are important to you. What will getting x bring you? Keep asking this question until you get to the core of why these things are important to you. That will help you figure out your values.
For example, if having more alone time is one of your personal goals, ask yourself, “what will that bring me?” You might come up with something like “more space.” Ask yourself again, “what will more space bring me?” “More time to rest.” “What will that bring me?” “More creativity.” Now you know that creativity is one of your values.
Once we are clear on our values and why they are important, it becomes a lot easier to set a boundary around it, and to notice when someone or something is impeding on that value. The boundary then becomes a way to honour our values – and how empowered does that make you feel?
If setting boundaries is new for you, it understandably feels daunting. This is why I suggest starting small by making boundaries that don’t feel scary. For example, it might feel easier for you to set an intellectual boundary with a friend by saying, “let’s agree to disagree on this subject,” than to set a physical boundary with a new partner. If you can practice setting boundaries with people you feel comfortable with, it will become easier for you to do it in novel situations.
Once you feel more comfortable setting boundaries in different situations, the next step is to communicate them clearly. Here are some examples of how to communicate clearly with each type of boundary:
A healthy relationship with boundaries goes both ways. Ensuring that you are respecting the boundaries of people around you will also allow you to have a better relationship with the ones you have set for yourself. For example, don’t pressure others to drink when they say they are not drinking, and before venting to a friend or partner, ask them if it is a good time to talk.
Sometimes we make well-intentioned plans and commitments when we feel good. But life happens – we might come down with a flu, receive bad news, or have an exhausting day when the time comes for us to follow through on those plans. If we are not used to setting healthy boundaries, we might feel forced to follow through with plans or commitments, even when we feel like we are no longer up to it. This leads to resentment, which often affects our relationships further down the line.
Instead, when making plans in the future, try saying, “let’s revisit this plan closer to the time and if we are still both committed to it, let’s go for it. If not, there is no pressure.” That way, you have made a clear boundary around the fact that if something unexpected causes you to change your mind about this plan, you will be let off the hook without feeling guilty. It is also a win-win, because it lets the other person off the hook as well.
Boundaries can be difficult if we aren’t used to setting them or communicating them, but with practice, it becomes easier to set and hold healthy boundaries without feeling any guilt around them.
Boundaries are the foundation for healthy relationships.
They are important for our physical, mental, and emotional health, and it is time we see boundaries as an integral part of self-care.
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Originally from Barbados, Crystal Nicholls is a Professional Dancer and Nutrition Coach, based in London. She has performed on tv, the high seas, and Disney’s The Lion King. Through her 1:1 coaching programs, she helps high level performers overcome stress, to find balance in their lives and achieve their goals.
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