What To Do When Your Networking is NOT-Working

So you’re at a networking event but haven’t spoken to anyone yet. The room is crowded and charged with energy, the energy of what looks like everybody else connecting. How do they make it look so easy, you ask yourself, feeling simultaneously invisible and painfully exposed so obvious in your discomfort? I’ll never be any good at this, you think to yourself, feeling your hands go icy as your body temperature rises.

Is it getting hot in here? You remind yourself that networking is good for you and that if you want to get ahead in your career, it’s what you have to do. So you push through the crippling fear, put on your game face and begin scanning the room. You spot someone standing alone at the bar who looks nice enough, so you muster up the courage to begin the approach. Why do the carpets at these events always look the same, you wonder as you move towards the bar and then, catching yourself with your head down, straighten up and pretending to be confident, you manage to make it to the bar without bolting for the exit and try to act casual as you order yourself a drink.

So your target is still standing there and while you wait for the bartender to pour your drink, you bravely glance over as nonchalantly as possible. They happen to look back at you and eye contact is made Don’t look down, don’t look down, you say to yourself, your thoughts racing almost as fast as your pulse. Like a mantra, you start to recite the five C’s of good eye contact Connection, concentration, conversation, confidence, credibility.

Connection, concentration, conversation, confidence, credibility.

Then you remember reading somewhere about a three second rule that if you hold someone’s gaze for longer than three seconds, you enter a situation known as kiss or kill. Longer eye contact signals one of two things Either you are attracted to the person or you want to attack them. So you smile at them and, despite what you might have feared, you do not perish in that moment. That wasn’t so bad. You think to yourself and they return the smile and say hello.

There is an awkward silence which, like a chasm between you, is threatening to swallow you up. Thankfully, the moment is interrupted by the bartender who hands you your drink. You take a gulp and realize that it’s your turn to say something before the wind of opportunity to connect slams in your face. So, before you know it, you’re spitting out some small talk about the event or the weather, the wine or the food, with just one goal now of trying to keep the conversation going. Although you are actually learning anything at all about the other person, they are none the wiser about you. Anything is better than the shame of being the only one not talking to someone in the crowded room where everyone else is networking, isn’t it? Still, the ice has been broken and you’re feeling a little more relaxed, so you begin to introduce yourselves. You know in your head that this is a good sign, but you can feel the stakes getting higher and the pressure mounting. As they ask the inevitable flow-stopping question what do you do? You feel caught off guard. Suddenly, defensive expectations rushing in and your memory rushing out.

You’re positively stymied by the question what’s the matter with me, you think to yourself, making it even harder to access any kind of clarity. You can barely recall anything you’ve done, let alone qualify it. You vaguely remember creating an elevator pitch, but who the heck ever actually pitches on an elevator? The five C’s are mocking you now like bullies in the playground.You look down Connection, concentration, conversation, confidence, credibility Sound familiar, listen. Networking is hard, and when it’s not working it’s even harder. We’ve all been there. But we have far more choice in how to approach networking beyond forcing ourselves to do it because we think we should.

You know, I always say to my clients that there’s a distinction between decision and choice. That’s a real game changer in how we show up in the world energetically in everything that we do. So here’s the distinction Think of a decision as something that you’ve already made. It’s typically black and white thinking In this case.

Go to the networking event, or don’t go to the networking event, but somewhere along the way, for whatever reason, a decision has been made and you are there at the event. So the choice piece comes in with how you show up at the event or really anywhere that you’ve already decided to go. That is where the alchemy and power of energetic choice lies. When we feel that we have no choice but to push through or do something because it’s good for us or because we’re afraid of what we’ll be if we don’t, then we’re operating from fear-based thinking and our power to show up to our true capacity is hugely diminished.

The goal then becomes simply to survive the ordeal. Haven’t you ever felt completely depleted and drained after one of those networking events? Well, it’s no surprise. Operating in survival mode is unsustainable, not to mention completely counterproductive when it comes to networking, your access to your full capacity to engage is limited because all your focus is on protecting yourself, not promoting yourself.

Remember, in our story when you couldn’t answer the question, what do you do? Well, that’s your freeze response. You lost all access to your unique, brilliant energy because the fear of saying the wrong thing consumed you. And for those of us who find that our networking is not working, this is precisely the reason why. So I have a couple of C’s of my own to help you shift your energy and unlock your capacity to higher energetic choices and help you answer that inevitable what do you do? Question. And these C words work in concert. Sorry, I could not resist. The two words I want you to remember are curation and curiosity. Unless we want to be defined by, and confined to the limitations of, what others know about or think they know about, occupations, we want to curate our answer so that it invites curiosity. A curator’s role is literally to select and care for what is shown or presented. So in this case, your collection is composed of values that you hold and express in the world and the value that you offer those you work with.

If we were to answer their question with a title or role, that they will have heard of think, composer, lawyer, actor, doctor, coach then we are limiting any chance of making a unique impression and instead helping them file us away into any preconceived notions that they have already about those occupations. Listen, there are a million others out there doing what you do, but there is only one of you doing it the way you do it.

That is where the true answer to the question lies. I struggle with this question sometimes, too, because when people ask me what I do, I could go in so many different directions. We all wear many hats in our multifaceted lives, and while that can be an absolute superpower, choosing one can put us in a box. Enlisting them all can be overwhelming and confusing. So I started to curate an answer that encompasses the essence of all that I do and the unique value that I bring to what I do. So, for instance, some of the roles that I play in my life are teacher, writer, dancer, coach, podcast host. So here’s just a few curated answers bespoke to me that I came up with.

I create safe spaces for creative self-expression and exploration, I help people find artistry in all aspects of their lives, or I lead with generous energy that helps elevate and inspire whoever I engage with.

So when I answer the what do you do question with one of those, I am tapped into my purpose and I am inviting curiosity. What comes next is inevitably how do you do that? And then we’re off and running. I encourage you to try this exercise and bet that if you look more closely at what you do and all the roles that you play in your life, that you might discover there is a through line, something connected to you that all of them share. Only you know what makes you truly unique, and taking the time to curate your answer will make answering the question easy, because it’s coming from inside of you, your essence. I remember feeling the rush of counting all the business cards I had amassed when I was networking on the conference room floor.

All those years ago, when I was selling our shows, I actually believed that there was a correlation between the number of people that I talked to and what determined a successful conference. I realize now that networking is about connecting, not collecting, and connection is created with authentic conversation and energetic exchange over time.

Listen to Audio Version here!

Published in Collaboration with:

Also by Lisa Hopkins:

Taking the Pressure Off of Flow

An Invitation to Create/Lessons From the Lake

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