Preparing for a Hard Conversation: Defining Feelings, Uncovering Identity Triggers, and Setting a Purpose

In this week’s edition, I’m talking more about hard conversations. Last week, I laid out a structure of questions to ask yourself about the facts and what happened under the surface of a conflict; this week, it’s all about our feelings and understanding how we feel about what happened, how it happened, and why it affects us. Our emotions drive everything. I believe that everything we experience in life starts emotionally, which then informs how we think and how we feel in our bodies physiologically. It’s important that we learn how to notice them, understand what they mean, and how to respond to them.

Similarly to recounting the facts of what happened, we are framing these questions from both my point of view (or me) and their point of view (or them). Additionally, these are split into feelings and identity, which is an important distinction. How we feel impacts how we see ourselves, which is our identity. Our self-talk, the ways we talk to ourselves inside our minds, can either build us up and encourage us, or it can tear us down and belittle us. When there is no clear communication, I can slip into running the gambit of all the worse case scenarios: I’m a terrible person, why would I do that, I’m so stupid…etc. Learning the other side and also investigating our feelings can help balance where our thoughts go.

The Feelings Conversation

My Feelings:

1. How do I feel about the situation?
2. Which feelings make sense to share?

Their Feelings:

1. Their Feelings – what might they be feeling about the situation?
2. What else could be contributing to how they feel?

The Identity Conversation

Me:

1. What do I fear that this situation says about me, as a person, as a leader, as a friend, etc.?
2. What might be true about this?
3. What’s not true about this?

Them:

1. What might this say about them that would be upsetting them?
2. What might they fear that this situation says about them?

Defining feelings can be difficult to do because we often are experiencing more than one simultaneously. Emotions are not necessarily connected to one event when we feel them. When we learn to acknowledge our emotions, we can be more mindful of our responses to them and tactfully navigate them when they occur. Staying present in the moment allows us to let the emotion be alive will help us pinpoint where it is in our bodies and take a closer look.

Choose Your Purpose:

Finally, after you go through the facts conversation and feelings conversation, set your purpose for the conversation. What are you hoping to accomplish by having this conversation? When you are starting the conversation, it is not a bad idea to share what your intention is by saying “My intention with this conversation is…”

The conversation may not go over the way you hope despite taking a closer look at yourself and the conflict. Here are some ways you can help it go over well:

• Be sure to choose the right time. Pick a time that works well for the other person and when you have time set aside to discuss rather than passing by or off the cuff.
• Use your best judgment on where to have the conversation. Picking a place that is more private and especially not around people who might have been there so that you both can have an open and honest conversation.
• Employ active listening skills and be open to learning something about their perspective. It’s not about being right, it’s about being open to hearing their side and finding a middle ground.

Conclusion

It’s not easy to have a hard conversation; it takes practice and courage. It can be scary like you’re in fight or flight mode. Taking the time to look objectively at what happened and subjectively about how you’ve been affected is helpful so that when you are in the moment in the hard conversation, you have some mindful context. Stay present and respond to the person across from you.

Also by Bryan Runion:

Inviting Feedback, Encouraging Diversity and Challenging Tradition

What does it mean to be an “Ethical” Stage Manager?